old vs. new

Ein zarter Blick berührt meine Schultern.

Zärtlich, so zärtlich, dass ich ihn kaum spüre.

Langsam umkost er meinen Rücken; zuerst nur die Schulterblätter. Dann sinkt er immer weiter hinab, der Wirbelsäule entlang.

Er küsst und streichelt mich, so liebevoll wie er nur sein kann.

Er gleitet hinab, immer weiter, so dass mich das Gefühl beherrscht, er sauge mich auf. Vollkommen, ganz und gar.

Behutsam, drehe ich mich um. Blicke in zwei funkelnde braune Augen, die alle Farben des Bernsteins wiederspiegeln.

Er kommt langsam auf mich zu. Immer näher. Nicht er, nein; der Blick.

Vorsichtig bewege ich mich in seine Richtung; habe das Gefühl, nichts kann mich aufhalten. Nicht einmal ich selbst.

Will stehen bleiben, aufhören, mich einem Gefühl unterzuordnen. Doch mein Gehirn gehorcht mir nicht länger. Es ist vorbei. Diese zwei wunderschönen, so simplen, aber doch so stark bezaubernden braunen Augen, ziehen mich wie magisch in ihren Bann.

Sie faszinieren mich.

Kein Wort, kein Satz kann beschreiben wie ich mich fühle. Alles würde die Sinnhaftigkeit, die Bedeutung dieses Gefühls zerstören. Nichts ist vergleichbar mit jenem.

Alles dreht sich. Es dreht und dreht und dreht sich.

Ich verliere den Halt unter den Füßen. Der grasige Boden wird weggezogen, als wäre es ein einfacher Teppich.

Die Blumen, die Bäume, ich seh' sie kaum mehr.

Das Rauschen des Baches, das Summen der Bienen, ich vernehm' es kaum mehr.

Der Duft der Blumen, der Geruch der Natur, ich riech' ihn kaum mehr.

Einzig und allein, blicke ich in diese wunderbaren, glänzenden braunen Augen, verliere mich in ihnen und vergesse die Welt um mich herum.

this is one of my favourites! :) i just adore my little brother. he's gorgeous (but grows too quickly!) he turns 7 in feburary - this pic was taken in 2006, quite a while ago... time flies.. (and actually i'm not allowed to say that; i'm not even 17!! :D)

von einem lächeln bin ich umfasst.

heimlich, schlich es sich hinab, durch die wolkenschicht, hinab zu mir, fing mich auf, als ich fiel, und flog mich hinauf gen sonne.

Shortstory.

M & M. Melissa and Michael. The letters of these names are deeply carved in the bark of a tree, framed with a heart, which was written as beautifully as the nature around this tree is now. Everyone is able to read the declaration of love, a declaration of love, which was made by Michael for me in the early 1930ies. Every now and then, when I go for a rambling through the forest, which was ours a long time ago, I see it and I can barely stand the feelings that rise timidly in my body; I have to think about my foolishness that made me lose the love of my life.

Michael was always the shy man who preferred reading a good book to partying with his friends. He was quiet, but appreciated an invigorating conversation. He never talked a lot, but when he joined a debate, he did it with passion that made everyone hold him in high esteem. I never thought he would be interested in an ordinary girl like me, a woman, who was not that smart, had no special future plans and lived from day to day. But somehow I attracted his attention. Some day I asked him how he had taken notice of me and he replied he always had. It just took a while until he was able to overcome his shyness, make the first move and speak to me.

I was 19, when he talked to me for the first time. I sat on a park bench under the shade of a tree, reading a book and facing the sun, while the pond in front of me was reflecting the rays of the setting sun, which touched the trees with red. It was one of the loveliest evenings I had ever seen. I could hear the rustle of the leaves, as the wind blew through the boughs. But then, there was something else. Someone tried to draw attention to himself, by repeatedly clearing his throat. Distracted by the sound, I glanced up once and caught sight of Michael. ‘Do you mind if I join you?’ he asked, while he smiled self-consciously at me. Quite astounded, why he wanted to sit next to me, I agreed. I was curious to know, whether I owed it to chance or to destiny that he met me there.

After Michael had taken a seat, there was an awkward silence. ‘Well, the weather’s been so good lately…’ he tried to break our hush. When I gave a laugh of relief he blushed. ‘Have I said something wrong?’ – ‘No, but do you really want to talk about the weather?’ I giggled.

Michael stared at me for a moment, then bit his lip. ‘I guess so…’ he said. Finally he laughed too.

We sat with guffaws on a park bench, watching the sunset. I took a look at him. He was tall, had dark, short curly hair and a finely chiselled feature. He was not drop-dead handsome, but he had a certain je ne sais quoi. ‘Did you know that sunsets on the equator take just a bit over two minutes?’ he asked after a while. He grinned at me and when I spotted his smile, the movement of his gorgeous lips, I realized that I fell unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. ‘Did you know that?’

‘Pardon? Sorry, I was inattentive’, I blushed.

‘Oh, I see…’ he said, and there was a catch in his voice.

‘No, please, don’t misunderstand! I was just...’ I faltered.

‘Just what?’ Michael asked with a trace of a smile on his face.

‘Well, I… I got sidetracked by your grin’, I stammered. I stood up and looked at him. ‘You got sidetracked by my grin?’ he repeated sceptically.

‘That’s what I just said.’ I was ready for leaving.

‘Wait!’ Michael reached out and grasped my hand tightly. ‘So you really got sidetracked by my grin?’ He was amused! ‘Yes’, I said simply, ‘I got.’

‘I thought you were kidding me. I must apologize!’ there was a sincerity in his voice that made me feel his love. While I was gazing at him, I noticed the grin on his face again and I thought I had never known such love, such modesty of spirit. I had never believed in love at the first sight, but there it was. And it was happening to Michael and me. He took a breath, pulled me close and kept his eyes locked to mine. His face came towards mine before he placed a soft kiss onto my lips. I smelt his lightly scented skin and felt his short bristles scratching on my cheeks. I felt the embrace of his body against mine and I wanted this moment to last for ever.

Few years later, Germany declared war on the world. Michael had to enter into war. He said goodbye to me with ‘My heart is wherever you are!’ and promised to write as often as he could. Well, I never received any letter.

Some years passed, and I tried to fill the emptiness inside of me. I tried to distract myself by helping other people, finding a good job and meeting friends. But everyday, I caught myself waiting for Michael’s letter, any sign of life. I have to admit that I could have tried harder, living my life with the same passion I did before, but something was missing. Michael was missing. I was torn apart: I wanted my life back, my joie de vivre, my desire to enjoy each day that I was on Earth. But I felt as if I held my breath for years, as if I was not alive anymore, but not allowed to die. My heart was aching; it felt as if it was drowning, as if it was burning at the stake, and is dying of starvation and thirst at the same time. I was not able to see the light at the end of the tunnel by myself, but when Simon showed me that the sunlight gives way to the darkness, I realized that my life was not over yet. Somehow he managed that I thought I could forget Michael, somehow he managed that I thought I was healed, that I could go on. I do not think he did it on purpose; he was just there for me.

We married and I gave birth to our child. Our wonderful, honourable and astonishing daughter. Sarah gave me a purpose in life, and will be always a loving, grateful mother that adores her kid forever.

But Simon was not Michael. He tried to replace him, because he always felt the wound in my heart.

Marrying him was a very selfish act; I should have known that I would have to break his heart. I was not able to love him the way he loved me, but I needed him, a guide out of the tunnel, a guide to the light.

‘I’ve always thought, some day, some day you’ll understand’, he whispered. Without naming the subject, I knew what he was talking about. ‘I’ve always thought, some day, you will discover your infinite and endless love for me. The same love you felt for...’ I winced. Somehow we had never mentioned Michael’s name. It was a kind of taboo.

We lay in bed and I did not know what to say. I had always known there would be this kind of conversation one day, but I had not expected it that soon. ‘Milly, look, I love Sarah and I love you. No one could ever love you as much as I do, believe me. But I cannot bear it anymore. To know there will always be someone between us. Someone dead!’

‘You don’t know if he’s dead or not!” I said calmly.

‘Of course I know! He’s been away for over eight years. Milly, wake up, he’s stone-dead! Deader than dead!’ His voice got louder and something made me scared, so I sat up to feel self-assured. ‘Don’t say something like that ever again. I know, it’s not that easy with me. I know, you have invested so much time in our marriage. But it is working! Can’t you see it?’ There was a slight edge to my voice.

‘You talk about our marriage as if it’s a technical project. It’s not just time you need for a functional marriage; it’s also love, affection and desire,’ screamed Simon. ‘Actually, it’s outrageous that you are still in love with Michael...’

‘How dare you even mention his name!?’ I interrupted Simon furiously.

‘I do whatever I blinking well like!’ he yelled and all of a sudden he jumped abruptly out of our double bed, put his trousers and a T-shirt on and left the room and the house.

The following morning it became evident that he won’t come back. He wrote letters to Sarah every week, telling her, he would be on a kind of holiday, but she was too small to understand anyway.

I did not notice that after 365 days a year had passed, because time has the habit to fly. Sarah grew older, so did I. One day after my thirty-fifth birthday, the door bell rang. ‘Happy birthday, Melissa’, a familiar voice said and when I looked up I could not believe my eyes: there he was. The man I had been waiting for for ages. The man I loved. The man I adored. Michael. He stood in front of my door and suddenly home felt like home to me. He beamed a smile at me and felt like being transported back to our youth. Time stopped.

‘Mommy, who’s that?’ a childish voice broke in on my thoughts. Sarah plucked my sleeve, until I realized that time still went on.

‘Wait a sec, darling,’ I detected a little hoarseness in my voice.

‘So, that’s your daughter?’ Michael looked curiously at me.

‘Yep, I’m Mommy’s daughter. Who are you?’ answered Sarah instead of me. I had to formalize my thoughts. Why was he here? Why was he here now? Was he still the same?

‘Daddy is just on vacation. He writes me every day. Right now, he’s in Spain. But he’ll come back home soon. Do you stay here?’ In her childish naivety she beamed at him.

I was not able to speak, to say a word. I was overwhelmed by my feelings. Michael looked at me. ‘Milly, don’t you want to say something?’ I couldn’t. He must have waited there for about five minutes, just looking at me, waiting for me to say something. Then he turned on his heels and headed back from where he came. I closed the door and knew at that moment I had made a mistake.